Support a young person through loss
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If you work in schools in a pastoral capacity, you will probably come across a situation where a young person has experienced the death of a relative or friend, classmate or teacher. There may even be a death duing the school day, and schools will draw on all available support to be available during these difficult times.
How will you respond if you find yourself in a situation like this?
Some people talk about feeling anxious around those going through bereavement and unsure of what language to use or how to act. The following is a guide on how you may best support a young person as they grieve. The thoughts that follow could easily be a help if you are supporting children or young people experiencing other types of loss such as separation, divorce and when someone is seriously ill or a death is anticipated.
Statistics
Research suggests that for children and young people under the age of 18 years:
• 4% of children are bereaved of a parent/sibling
• 6% the death of a friend
• 13% the death of a grandparent
It is estimated that 2 million children and young people have been bereaved by the death of someone special.
Physical symptoms
Bereaved children and young people are at increased risk of the following:
• Poorer physical health
• A range of mental health difficulties (anxiety, depression etc)
• Lower self esteem and lower confidence
• Increased risk of teenage pregnancy
• Increased likelihood of dependency on alcohol and drugs
• Increased risk of bullying
• Increased risk of emotional, physical and sexual abuse
• Schooling difficulties (poorer concentration, lack of interest, missing school, missed opportunities)
• Possible school exclusion
• Offending behaviour
When someone dies the pain can be overwhelming and feelings can be very scary and difficult and all jumbled up. There may be feelings such as sadness, anger, loneliness, guilt, disbelief. It can be helpful to reassure a young person that these feelings are normal when you are bereaved.
There may be physical symptoms such as exhaustion, tiredness and having no energy. There can also be loss of appetite and also the inability to sleep. Concentration may also be very difficult and going out with friends can just be too much. Young people may see little point in bothering with anything any more and may wonder how life is going to be in the future. They miss their special person so much.
Experiencing such a barrage of emotions is difficult but talking to someone who really wants to understand them and who will listen to them without judging them is a lifeline. Often young people who have experienced the death of someone close speak of the need to re-arrange the landscape of their lives, to make sense of a world with a gaping hole in it. Standing back and looking at things objectively by oneself can be difficult. It helps to say things out loud and hear someone else respond. You can help to create an environment where they can explore how they feel, acknowledge deep down that the loss has happened so that over time they adjust to what has happened and can make the most of their life from now on.
On hearing the news
If the young person bereaved is someone you already are in contact with consider the following. These are things that young people find comforting:-
- Send a card
- Consider attending the funeral (young people appreciate this)
- Visit the family at home (if you feel anxious, imagine what the young person is feeling and take a colleague with you if you can)
- Ask them what may help them when they return to school and tell appropriate staff
- Discuss options with parent/carers if appropriate
On returning to school
- It is helpful to ensure that you and anyone else who needs to know have accurate information about the death (including classmates). Information should be based on family’s wishes.
- It may be helpful to suggest a time out card so that the young person can leave the room, perhaps with a named person, when they feel overwhelmed. This is not an excuse to opt out but needs to be used sensitively.
- It is important that young people have their grief acknowledged and that they have someone in school with whom they feel safe to talk. This may be you. Plan this with the young person and staff. This is so important as other significant adults in their life will be distracted by their own grief.
- It is important to be aware that other young people may also need support as they too may be affected by the death. It may be appropriate to offer some support to them in a group allowing them to share their anxieties and fears together.