Support a young person through loss
Categories:
Models of grief
Grief is a messy process and is not as may have been thought for many years - a nice neat linear process that disappears after two years. Although there are stages of grief, often these are revisited time and time again. It is a bit like the waves on the sea shore, it ebbs and flows going back and forth. There are many models of grief that can be helpful. Understanding these ourselves can make a difference when supporting a young person and in some instances can make a difference when shared with the young person. Below are two examples;
Whirlpool of grief
Imagine you are sailing along in a small boat on the river of life. All of a sudden something catastrophic happens to you and someone dies. Grief feels like your boat has fallen over the edge of a waterfall and you are suddenly plunged into the whirlpool below. The whirlpool carries you round and round, visiting the same emotions time and again, with the occasional respite in the shallows and the risk of being cast against the rocks. The time spent in this period of disorganisation will vary and some who have been washed up on a bank will choose to stay there. But when the time is right for reorganisation, the ‘River of Life’ leads away from the whirlpool to calmer waters. Your boat is patched up and you sail off on a new river. Richard Wilson (1992) comments on this model:
It may be a little fanciful. However, it is less rigid than suggesting that there are stages of grief which must be completed. People cannot be healed by shepherding them through a fixed treatment plan; however, we may be of some assistance as they make their way along their own difficult and personal journey. Grief is a turbulent time, and although there may be precious periods of calm, violent emotions which had seemed to be over can return. They are innumerable and all valid. In grief there is a disorganisation of life and thoughts and values, but most people are then able to reorganise their life in a new way. Although old emotions can always return in almost the same intensity, they do so less frequently and for shorter periods of time.’
Continuing the bond
Continuing the Bond challenges the previous held belief that you need to ‘let go’ of the person who has died. It is clear from research that a relationship has to be constructed with the person who has died. The relationship changes over time and gives comfort to those who are bereaved. Adults and young people can struggle and feel embarrassed about trying to find a place for the person who has died in their lives, afraid of being seen as having something wrong with them. It is important that young people have the opportunity to talk about the person who has died, to participate in memorial rituals and to understand that their grief is an evolving and changing process and not static. Continuing the bond does not mean that you live in the past, those who have died are neither finally present or always absent. The bond shifts and takes new forms in time but the connection is always there.
In some special circumstances a young person may not want to continue the bond with the person who has died especially in instances of abuse etc. This though does not mean that they are not grieving - it does however complicate the grieving process.
Other things to consider
- Special days such as anniversaries, birthdays, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day etc. These days may be difficult - ask the young person what might help.
- Some young people may fall behind with their coursework and revision for exams. If you are supporting them you could negotiate with the school staff. Do they need extra support? Who can provide this? Should the exam board be informed?
- Increased school absence can occur for many reasons - not seeing the point of education, responsibility for siblings, anxiety about leaving a parent, insomnia. Check this out and liaise with the family if appropriate. The family may need to be signposted to other agencies such as Cruse for bereaved adults (see links at the end of this guide for more).
Supporting yourself
It can be overwhelming to support a young person who is bereaved but remember you cannot take their grief away. It is sad and very hard but it will be easier for them with your support than without. Be sure to look after yourself, you can do this by:
- Finding a colleague to talk to
- Keeping it in perspective with your own life - it does not help the young person if you are overwhelmed by their sadness
- Pampering yourself when stressed
- Remembering if you are recently bereaved you may not be the best person to offer support - ask for help
- Realising that not all of us can do this work.
Winnie the Pooh also said ‘If ever there is a tomorrow when we are not together …there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we are apart…I’ll always be with you’
Memory Jar Activity
1. Take a clean dry jar and fill it with salt
2. Pour the salt onto A4 paper in 4 or 5 piles depending on the number of memories
3. Choose 4 or 5 colours to represent the memories and then use the chalks and rub it into the salt on the paper - this colours the chalk very easily
4. Pour the salt back into the jar either in block colours or in small layers (It can be helpful to use a funnel)
5. Ensure that the jar is tapped down as salt settles and you may need to add some extra
6. Secure top tightly as colours are easily mixed
7. Make a label and write down the memories and attach to jar
Conclusion
The adolescent years resemble a storm. Yet it is also a time of excitement when young people discover new strengths. Life for a bereaved young person is complex, they face many unique challenges. Many people assume they are ‘grown up’ and then make unreasonable expectations of them but it can be a real privilege and honour to support a young person as they are grieving the death of someone special in their lives.
When someone dies you are changed forever and life as you know it is suspended but young people and their families can, if given the right support, adjust to living in a different way. Unfortunately some bereaved young people do become increasingly vulnerable and they may not realise their lives full potential due to events in their lives spiralling out of control. However experiencing the death of someone special as a young person does not necessarily mean they will not develop and flourish given the right support.
Links
CRUSE BEREAVEMENT CARE - http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/
BBC - http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional_health/bereavement/
BUPA - http://hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/html/bereavement.html
MIND - http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/bereavement
Training
Quality Training - http://www.qualitytraininguk.com
With thanks to CHUMS child bereavement and trauma service for this ‘I Need To’ guide. Visit http://www.chums.info/.
© schoolswork.co.uk 2010
Feel free to use and distribute this guide but please acknowledge schoolswork.co.uk as the source.